Because I needed to show SOME sort of progress…

Track By Track

SNOOZEFEST

It is in fact, a snoozy little musical interlude… its pretty benign. So like… banger for being honest… I guess?

MY BELOVED

Look, Im not one of those people who hear something and think ‘I am concerned for the safety of this songs protagonist’ but in this case, Mr. Mansionz ‘beloved’ may want to consider a restraining order because he’s got some intense feelings about his relationship with you and his couch. Like he is really into his couch that must smell like you Ms. Mansionz to be. So maybe stop sitting there when you come over because he is definitely definitely doing unsavory things to that couch when you are not around.

Wait… is this that thing that JD Vance was talking about? Was he who this song was about? Conspiracy theory officially confirmed!

Anyways, I dig the production here. It is minimal which is nice when compared to some of Mike Posners other work. The chorus at the beginning sets the tone for some intimate couch diddling, the quiet snaps and bass work nicely with the synths. Its all pretty good… but it also acts as a harbinger of what is to come from this album: tracks with really good or even great production which gets completely ruined by the most head scratching, awkward and uncomfortable (in a non ‘artistic’ way) lyrical choices that have ever been recorded.

STFU (FEATURING SPARK MASTER TAPE)

Oh, were doing that 2010’s “twangy guitar lick over a really boring beat” thing? But you made it ‘unique’ by adding lyrics chock full of texting slang? Really? Mr. Mansionz is this your best work? Are you proud of this?

At least Spark Master Tape is here to do his thing… I don’t know what his thing is, and I was entirely to busy lazy to engross myself in the storied lore of SMT. So if that disappoints you… I don’t know what to tell you. Is he the one that does that really annoying 2010s rap trope of putting a vocal filter on your voice to make it sound like you are recording your lines while gargling packet after packet of delicious Arbys sauce? Is SMT the rap name for Arbys man? You know, the ‘we HAVE the meat’ commercial guy? Conspiracy #2 of this review: SMT is Arbys man. Confirmed. X-Files and whatnot.

This song is boring, and I hate it because now I can’t stop thinking about Arbys roast beef. GTFOH.

It did lead me on a very bizarre side quest to find the long lost ‘Arbys_AF’ font they released a few years ago. Yes, you read that correctly. Arby’s, the fast-food beef people released not one BUT TWO disgustingly beautiful ‘sauce packet letter’ fonts back in 2018 which were quickly erased from memory after the world collectively agreed they were never going to trust Arby’s to create the font they would use on their college essays. I however was more than overjoyed to have brought artist Scott Andrew Hunt’s bizarre and captivating fonts back from an internet black hole. You can download them here if you feel so inclined. Check out Scott’s website too, he has done worked on some truly classic marketing campaigns from the last decade that you will have instant nostalgia for

DENNIS RODMAN (FEATURING DENNIS RODMAN)

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……………………..>HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH>……………………………..>>HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

You know what sucks? The beat on the verses and bridge are groovy as hell, like it is really good but for FUCKS SAKE the hook whispering ‘dennisrodman’ with that god damn, ear piercing marimba/child flicking their cheek sound makes me want to put a rod directly into my eye. Also… Dennis Rodman featuring to spread his old man stank at the end is not what we needed but what we deserved. We all rejected Mike Posner and this is his way of enacting his revenge. Welcome to hell assholes, Dennis will show you to the hair dying chair in Kim Jong Uns anal evacuation chamber. You can choose from GREEN or GrEEn. Choose wisely.

I’M THINKING ABOUT HORSES

Mr. Mansionz gets deeeeeeeeeeeeerp on this one. He is just… thinking about some stuff man. Its late, he’s bored and he’s trying to get some booty but like… he feels bad about doing that or something. He is texting with that couch from the other song and things are uh… getting a little heated. Gettin… wait…. hes thinking about sex… NO! He’s uh… thinking about horses… BUT NOT HORSE SEX… yet… just how ‘regal’ they are… BUT NOT THEIR PENISES… yet… just how their skin ripples like little oceans when he touches their… magnificent beasts… so strong… so majestic… they just let you get on top of them and ride the hell out of them… but like… why man? Why do they do that? Were all like horses’ man… NOW I AM YELLING MAN! HORSES BRO! HOOOOOOOORRRRRRSSSSSEEEESSSSS! I miss my dad. He’s all dying and shit. Loser. Wait, now he is at the beach naked waiting on like, the ocean on that horse’s magnificent beast to take him away to his childhood. Childhood sucks man.

He’s just been casually sitting around thinking about whether or not he is gay. Spending so much time dreaming about majestic horse cock would make anyone question their sexuality bruh. Were at minute 4 now of this god damn 6-MINUTE-LONG back-alley abortion of an interlude, trapped here with our friend who just smoked weed for the second time and now refuses to let you leave their moms basement until you watch and dissect the meaning of eraserhead for THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME THIS EVENING and halfway through that final viewing they get super emotional and just start trauma dumping all over you but you know this means they are running out of steam and are bound to fall asleep. So like UGHHHHHH GOD DAMMIT! Ok…ok… calm down… just keep replying with ‘yeah man’ and ‘dude that is SO deep man…’ and they will eventually pass out and you can leave. Maybe quietly reach around and unplug the dvd player when they sneak upstairs to get more frittos because its 3am and you have to be at work at 9 so you need to leave and try to sleep it off in your car for at least an hour or two…

Weve all been there Mr. Mansionz. We have all been or had that friend. Probably with less horse fetishism but its deep to think about horse dong I think, its just… you didn’t need to say or record 99.9999999999999^10% of this. Your kids are going to hear this one day and figure out why they have bushy tails that you force them to keep hidden in their jeans. It is just really uncomfortable for us all and I don’t like it. Ok? Do you need a friend? I am not coming over ok? I cant… seriously, I have to work in the morning… no, I know you say you wont make me watch eraserhead but requiem for a dream is just an awful choice when you are stoned and already overly emotional. So no, not today bud. Call Chad, maybe he can come over.

mansionz- Mansionz- Part 1